I'm up, which isn't all that surprising seeing how I haven't been sleeping for the past 2 months or so- whether it's because my husband is gone, or I have a little one bouncing around/kicking me, I'm not quite sure, but what I do know is that I'M WIDE AWAKE. I have so much frustration, hurt, anger, and impatience surging through my veins right now, that I can't even imagine sleeping right now. I'm praying for patience, a kind heart, and some peace, but it's not coming easy. As all of you know, today is the big "love holiday"... I was completely fine throughout the entire day, as Caleb and I don't really "celebrate" this day, but towards the end of the day it really, really, really started to take it's toll on me...status after status on facebook made my heart break, and I just grew more frustrated the longer I stayed on, so I decided to go to sleep so that the day would just be over with... and how unsettling is that? I'm going to bed, so that I can just move on to tomorrow- aghh, so sad it seems. Before I say anything, I'm NOT asking for pity- that's the LAST THING I WANT... I just am venting... ;)
After sharing my thoughts about this day, and actually over the past 2 months or so I've heard similar thoughts from people... "oh, it's only a year" or "he'll be back before you know it", or... "it's a year, it'll FLY BY, and it's ONLY A YEAR... it's such a short time to be apart"... whenever I hear these comments I try my best to stay calm and just hold everything in, and it literally takes every ounce in my body NOT to break down and come unglued, although, I guess I could blame it on the pregnancy "crazy" hormones... since moving back into the "civilian" world I have come to realize that some people truly want to understand, but just can't if they haven't been in the situation- I get that. I also get that people may not know what to say, and think that what they're saying is helping in the situation, I get that as well- believe me, I do. I fully believe in the goodness of others, and am so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family, but seriously... give me a freakin' break... a year is NOT a short time... I'm sure thinking back on a year it seems like it goes by fast (at times), and I've been known to catch myself say "gosh, I can't believe that was already a year ago!" HOWEVER... I do believe that these sayings don't happen during a deployment year. IT'S A YEAR PEOPLE. I'm a math teacher, so with my calculations... a year is 365 days (thankfully it's not a leap year this year!)... so 365 days... which is 52 weeks (roughly)... which is over 8700 hours... 525600 minutes, and way too many seconds to think about my better half. Again, I understand the good intentions of people, but seriously, don't tell me it's going to fly by if you haven't had to wait by the phone or computer all day HOPING to hear from him... let alone have to go days without talking... and when I say "talking" I mean most likely instant messaging... I'm thankful I live in an age with technology because skype is awesome, but seriously, skyping doesn't do it justice. Not a minute goes by where I don't think of him... not an hour ticks away where I haven't prayed... I'm telling you- I spend more seconds/minutes/hours on my knees praying than anything else... don't tell me that it's flying by... because it's NOT. Yes, I'll admit that some days seem "shorter" than others, but those are the days that I get to talk to my husband... don't tell me it's "a short time" because you're not the one staying by your phone, or NOT staying at home in fear of the worst because you HAVEN'T heard from him... anything that crosses my mind throughout those minutes/hours during a day has to wait to be told- in an email or over the computer... I can't just shoot my husband a text telling him that I'm thinking about him... and he can't do the same. Don't tell me that "he'll be back before you know it"... I know he'll be back... but it's definitely a long time... put yourselves in the shoes of my military families and I...try:
-going a day without hearing from your husband/wife
-not to share some important news- and by important I mean, family/health/work/financial issues
-spending every holiday for the next YEAR apart (with/without gifts- and if you DO do gifts, send them in the mail- 2-3 weeks in advance so that it'll HOPEFULLY get there in time)
-go to bed every night by yourself... your bed will seem a LOT bigger than it used to
-tell someone you love them over and over in a conversation so that you'll always end it with that if the computer goes down
-fixing things/dealing with things while they're gone- EVERYTHING that can happen WILL happen during a deployment... I can't tell you just how many of my friends have dealt with health issues, family crisis', car/house repairs, etc... all by themselves
-having to wake up/get ready every day and attempt to keep everything running smoothly for those around you because you HAVE to hold it together for others
-oh, and go 365 days without holding the one you love-their hand, getting a kiss or hug, etc...
After attempting to do those, come talk to me- oh, and throw in the fact that they're in a war zone... just sayin'. Again, I'm terribly sorry if this offends anyone, as I'm not trying to by anymeans, and I am so blessed by my wonderful family/friends/military friends- I'm not singling anyone out by this, and maybe I should blame it on my pregnancy hormones, as I might just sound a bit critical for some, but seriously... I'm just tired of having people say "oh, it'll go fast"... or "oh, it's just a year/short time"... PLEASE.
