Breaking Down...

Words can't describe how I'm feeling right now... nor can they describe the feelings of any of the wives of the 6-4 CAV husbands/soldiers... the closest words I can find are "numb" and "heartbroken"... I said "cya later" to my husband and best friend this morning. The next time I will be in his arms is in about 8 months... which will be for a brief 2 weeks, then he'll head back for a few months. We hugged and kissed goodbye early this morning, and it broke my heart crying in front of him... it took everything I had to get back into the car, start it, calm down a bit, and drive back home. I can't even number the times that I have broken down already today... of course I was a wreck for awhile after he left... as soon as I about composed myself, my mom called, and I lost it all over again... then, just when I thought I was good again, my dad called... I kept composing myself for a bit, and would get another phone call from a friend or family member, and the water works would start all over again. It's the little things that are the hardest it seems... the times when you feel the strongest, are the easiest times to break down... after dragging myself out of bed, and NOT looking in the mirror to confirm my swollen/black eyes from crying, I finally stepped out of the house to run errands. Getting in OUR car was tough... going to the post office and talking to the guy at the desk made me tear up... "I don't even know what I'm doing or how to send this"... "my husband left today"..." yes, it's our first deployment"... I got choked up when I went to the vet... again at the commissary when I saw anything chocolate (Caleb LOVES chocolate)... again when I saw couples/families together- whether they were holding hands or bickering... I lost it. Coming into our neighborhood... walking up to the door... going inside to see all of our things... and Daisy still waiting at the window for "daddy to come home"... aghhhh.

I know that this is one of the hardest days... but I also know that I will have plenty more of "these days"... some days will go by faster than others, but the days will never go fast enough. Every minute that passes is another minute closer to my husband... yes, I've started counting in minutes, because quite frankly, hours seem too long at times. I know many people outside of the military will say "oh, this year will go by fast" and towards the end they will say, "oh see, that went fast!" but in all actuality, it didn't, and it won't. I will never say "well that seemed to go by quickly/quicker than I thought" because I wasn't in their shoes... I wasn't that person... I know for me, people have already said it, and I try not to get upset, and don't feel bad if you already have said it to me, as you won't be the last... but honestly, if you're not the one who goes to bed each night alone in bed, have to "go through the motions", trying to keep occupied/busy just so you don't have it constantly in the forefront of your mind, or are just plain overwhelmed or tired from every emotion that gets thrown your way at any point of the day, the year hasn't/won't go by quick. Please pray for all of the soldiers and their families as we're all struggling these days, next few weeks...months, and year to come. Please also pray for peace for all of the soldiers who have had to leave us behind- a peace that they will have knowing that we will be ok.

We're Expecting!

Yes, you read that correctly- we're EXPECTING!!! A little Lohman will be here in June! Words can't even begin to describe JUST HOW excited we are... we are OVER THE MOON with excitement. We ARE going to find out if it's a boy, or girl, but we haven't yet... but I PROMISE to announce it as soon as we both know.

Tick tock...tick tock...

Whoa- hold the phone- WHERE in the world has time gone?!!? I just realized that I haven't updated our blog since, oh, October... and it's now... December. I honestly have NO IDEA where the past few months have gone, but all I can say is that I hope and pray that the next year goes just as fast if not faster. I have been pretty strong since finding out Caleb would be deploying... I'm not sure if that was partially because I just pushed it out of my mind, or held out for some small, minute, almost impossible chance that they wouldn't actually deploy. Either way, it's about that time... and I am done trying to be "tough" or put on the "happy face"... it still hasn't really hit yet, but yesterday pushed me to the limits, and I'm emotionally drained. There are over 3,000 soldiers leaving (just from) Fort Knox, so the majority of people are heading out... which means there are a LOT of flights. My neighbor's husband had to leave yesterday, and while I was helping out another neighbor, she called panic-stricken. My heart broke as her quivering voice asked if I could come with them and drive her home. I let Daisy out and tried not to watch her husband scrape the inch of solid ice that fell (and that we hoped would delay his flight a bit), pack his bags, and her, videotape every last moment. You see, when you're a military wife sending your husband off to fight for all of us back here (and there), all you want is one more minute together. The last few minutes in your "normal/day-to-day" surroundings you just want to freeze and hold forever. I've never been through a deployment, and at times I feel that I can do it because "I'm a military wife"... but honestly, it's just a title that I took because of my tremendous love for my husband and best friend. This "lifestyle" is something completely different than any other life out there... it's one of those things that you can't really describe or even pretend to live in if you haven't lived in it. Many people who are close to us military families get a glimpse of our life, having to deal with the "we'll see if we can make it home for Thanksgiving... but it all depends on the Army"... or "I'm sorry we can't make plans, we just don't know if we have to stay here, or what's going on with his work"... or those times that we've MADE plans, and had to change or cancel them. However, this "lifestyle" is a lot more than that... especially during a deployment. I can't even imagine going day-to-day worrying about my husband's safety, but praying and holding onto the faith that he WILL be ok. I can't even imagine not hearing from him for days, or weeks at a time, and when I do, have to talk to him on the phone that is delayed, scratchy, and can shut off at any time. I can't imagine going through special holidays, days, or even those hard days when all you want is to hear your husband's calming/soothing voice, and a hug... even the things that most people take for granted... the deafening sound of a doorbell alone freaks any military wife out while her husband is away... enough about that, and back to my neighbor- the three of us road in the car, silent. We waited a few hours for him to get his equipment, and as I took pictures of them, I couldn't get over the fact that all too soon I would be in HER position. Looking over them, I saw a family of four- husband, wife, and two younger/school-age girls... they were laughing at the time, but 20 minutes later, I had to look away as the girls grabbed for their dad, tears streaming down their faces, and kept telling him over and over how much they loved him and how good they would be for their mom... when they finally let go and got in the car, their parents held onto each other and just sobbed... I kept checking my phone to have SOMETHING to do, just so that I wasn't having to look at all of these families being torn apart... when my friend finally got back into the car we both just cried- as hard as I tried to be strong, especially for her, I couldn't. I drove away, trying to comfort her, with the little words I thought would help, but being in the same boat as her, it's hard to tell someone that the time will "fly by" and this is "the hardest part"... we drove into our driveway- her NOT wanting to go back to her house... THEIR house, so we stopped at our other neighbors house, who had to say goodbye to her husband that day as well to check in on her... she too was sobbing and holding her 2 year old daughter trying to just get inside their house... we stayed for awhile and just all tried to be supportive to one another- it is true that you don't know how strong you are, or can be, until you really have to be... I pray for more strength and faith to get me through this year, and pray for all of the soldiers leaving, and all of the families they are leaving back here trying to be strong for them.