Words can't describe how I'm feeling right now... nor can they describe the feelings of any of the wives of the 6-4 CAV husbands/soldiers... the closest words I can find are "numb" and "heartbroken"... I said "cya later" to my husband and best friend this morning. The next time I will be in his arms is in about 8 months... which will be for a brief 2 weeks, then he'll head back for a few months. We hugged and kissed goodbye early this morning, and it broke my heart crying in front of him... it took everything I had to get back into the car, start it, calm down a bit, and drive back home. I can't even number the times that I have broken down already today... of course I was a wreck for awhile after he left... as soon as I about composed myself, my mom called, and I lost it all over again... then, just when I thought I was good again, my dad called... I kept composing myself for a bit, and would get another phone call from a friend or family member, and the water works would start all over again. It's the little things that are the hardest it seems... the times when you feel the strongest, are the easiest times to break down... after dragging myself out of bed, and NOT looking in the mirror to confirm my swollen/black eyes from crying, I finally stepped out of the house to run errands. Getting in OUR car was tough... going to the post office and talking to the guy at the desk made me tear up... "I don't even know what I'm doing or how to send this"... "my husband left today"..." yes, it's our first deployment"... I got choked up when I went to the vet... again at the commissary when I saw anything chocolate (Caleb LOVES chocolate)... again when I saw couples/families together- whether they were holding hands or bickering... I lost it. Coming into our neighborhood... walking up to the door... going inside to see all of our things... and Daisy still waiting at the window for "daddy to come home"... aghhhh.
I know that this is one of the hardest days... but I also know that I will have plenty more of "these days"... some days will go by faster than others, but the days will never go fast enough. Every minute that passes is another minute closer to my husband... yes, I've started counting in minutes, because quite frankly, hours seem too long at times. I know many people outside of the military will say "oh, this year will go by fast" and towards the end they will say, "oh see, that went fast!" but in all actuality, it didn't, and it won't. I will never say "well that seemed to go by quickly/quicker than I thought" because I wasn't in their shoes... I wasn't that person... I know for me, people have already said it, and I try not to get upset, and don't feel bad if you already have said it to me, as you won't be the last... but honestly, if you're not the one who goes to bed each night alone in bed, have to "go through the motions", trying to keep occupied/busy just so you don't have it constantly in the forefront of your mind, or are just plain overwhelmed or tired from every emotion that gets thrown your way at any point of the day, the year hasn't/won't go by quick. Please pray for all of the soldiers and their families as we're all struggling these days, next few weeks...months, and year to come. Please also pray for peace for all of the soldiers who have had to leave us behind- a peace that they will have knowing that we will be ok.
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