"No news is good news"

The phrase "no news is good news" is definitely over-rated... I never fully understood this whole concept until Caleb deployed. Since December, this is the ONE phrase that I would just like to throw out the window... it's true, but at the same point, it seriously sucks, and I feel that over the past 5 months, this quote has been more present than ever...

Caleb deployed with over 3000 other soldiers to Afghanistan between December and January. As I've said before, I don't know ALL of these men and women, or their families, but I "know" them... I know the hardships they're facing, and to some extent, I know of them... someone I know really knows them. When the worst-possible thing can happen during a deployment, we go on a "blackout"... for those that are in the military, a blackout is one of the worst things to deal with. Blackouts can last anywhere between a few hours to a week or more... I can't even begin to describe all the emotions that come with a blackout. Anger, fear, guilt, hope, sorrow, worry, doubt, dread, anxiousness, etc... Someone, somewhere is receiving the worst possible news... my heart skips a beat every time my phone rings or heaven forbid someone drives down my street/towards my house, or even worse, comes innocently to my parent's house... we've been on at least 2 hands-worth of "blackouts" this deployment alone, and it never gets any easier.

Some ask how I know we're on a blackout.. well, when you have spouses back here waiting every single day to hear from their loved ones, there comes a certain time in the day where if you don't hear from them, you start to ask other wives if they've heard anything. Once you get to more than a handful of wives that haven't heard from their soldier (out of all the units we sent from Fort Knox) we know what it is. So, this is what it is to wait... waiting for some type of news- any news, from anyone really. We all text each other back and forth like crazy, and go on facebook for ANY sort of communication from any husband deployed. We just wait... and that's the hardest. I can't even begin to tell you how many text messages I've gotten from wives, how many times I've looked at the clock and realized that it's been 2minutes since the last time I checked, how many times I've hit the "refresh" button on FB, my email, or FB chat to see if there's been ANYTHING. My stomach is in knots, my head hurts, and I've been fighting back tears all day just waiting. I can't even begin to describe my chats with God today... almost begging or making some type of bargains with Him... I have never prayed so much or so hard in my entire life, but throughout this deployment, it's the one thing that I still find comforting (besides the times I'm talking to Caleb)... I know God is in complete control of things, and I just need more faith at times, but in these times, I'm still trying to find faith... and still trying to hold on to the hope and faith that I have left, but at times it still doesn't seem enough. Caleb uses the "no news is good news", as well as many of our friends and family... and while the saying comes from the military (and especially during "blackout" times), hearing it said aloud doesn't make it any easier. At some point, SOMEONE is going to get news... and while the waiting for "no news" or ANY news is hard, it's almost harder KNOWING... knowing that someone has given their life for our freedom, that someone has been told the worst news possible, and at times, it's someone my husband and I know. It just hits way too close to home- even if it's not a soldier my husband works/lives with, it's a soldier that we "know"...

When a blackout is lifted, the people not directly involved take a huge sigh of relief, and can actually breathe again... we're able to finally talk with our husbands, and we all start texting each other letting the others know, that we've heard from our loved one, and that all is well b/c "no news is good news" until we hear from them... however, upon talking with our husbands, we hear what happened, and know why we were on a blackout and that's when the reality sets in... it may not have been us, but it IS someone we know... and then we get the phone calls and mass emails about a memorial service, or the family involved, or how we can help... it just saddens me and again, hits too close to home. My husband whom I love with all my heart and is my entire world is still over there, fighting for us, for those "over there", and fighting for his life. 5 months "down" with this deployment, and two-handfuls of "blackouts" and it doesn't get easier... in fact, I think it just gets harder... it's one day closer to being with my beloved, but it's also another day that he's over there and not here...

"I just realized what meat really is..."

I have realized that the past blogs have been completely venting, complaining, and not really "like me"... however, I am attributing it completely to my better half being gone- the one whom I share everything with... and being sick with CRAZY pregnant hormones raging... BUT while chatting with my sister the other day I was reminded on one of my "better moments"... so here goes, but please, don't judge me... I'm sharing this openly with you all hoping that someone finds a bit of humor in it... yes, it's ok to laugh AT me...

Last year I was reading a story about a vegetarian woman in one of my magazines... when all of a sudden I read something about meat being muscle... I literally stopped breathing... I felt as if I had been lied to my entire life by NOT really knowing "what meat was"... true- I KNEW what meat was, I just didn't really THINK about it... I think of it as being, or wanting to be naive about it all, so just refused to think about what I was eating... however, it blew me away... just KNOWING that meat was in fact muscle... I quick called Caleb and texted my sister... who has since saved this text so that I can share it with you... "Sarah:OH MY GOSH!!! I am going vegetarian...no joke... I JUST realized what meat really is... muscle?!?! Are you freakin for real?! I feel like I have been lied to my whole entire life... oh my gosh, oh my gosh... freaking out right now..." TWO seconds later (I really don't even know how the girl read the text that fast) my phone rang with my sister and her friends/colleagues hysterically laughing... my sister was absolutely appalled that I had "just realized" what meat was... thanks for the support Em! Again, I really did know what meat is/was... but just didn't really THINK about it... later that night Caleb came home from work only to further my fear of meat... when I was talking to him about my "epiphany" he quick grabbed Daisy's leg and said "babe, it's just like taking a bite out of her sweet little leg..." REALLY CALEB?! I ran out of the room only to have Caleb laughing so loudly chasing me around the house, hugging me and saying he loved me and was sorry... about a month after that whole ordeal, (at this point I WAS eating meat, but only chicken and it had to be cut a certain way, and there was NO THOUGHT involved while eating... just eat, chew, swallow...) Caleb and I were out to dinner- I had an AWESOME salad with grilled chicken on top- he had finished his dinner and really wanted to try my salad, but I wasn't about to share, as it was THAT good... sooo, what does he say? with a sparkle in his eye and a huge grin on his face..."How's that muscle salad babe!?" I couldn't help but laugh (gag a little) and pass the plate to him... who thoroughly enjoyed the leftover salad... again, I am TELLING you that I really did know what meat was... just chose not to think about it... I still have a bit of a hard time when I THINK about it... but oh well... at least it's out of our Caleb and I's system... but mark my words, if ANYONE EVER tells Kenzie and our other children what they're eating I will go NUTS on you... ;)

I'm not questioning God... just curious...

I am trying to look at things positively, I really am, but I just can't help but think about why things happen to such wonderful people. I know God is in complete control and has a plan for everyone and EVERYTHING happens for a reason... but really? Sometimes I just get so frustrated and my heart breaks for so many people who have things happen to them... I just don't understand. I'm not blaming God or questioning him by ANY means, but just kind of curious... and have been praying the past few days that I have a change of heart about things...

I don't understand why so many of my closest friends have tried for years to have a baby, and have either miscarried several times, or just aren't able to... while so many other people could care less, take having babies for granted, or put up their own roadblocks and complain all the way about "why them"... my heart breaks for so many of my friends who are going through this as I know what they're going through... 

I don't understand why there are so many soldiers who are risking everything they have to serve and protect us... while there are so many people who sit home with their lives completely untouched and complain about the many freedoms/rights that they have- and yet they abuse their rights, or criticize those who are fighting everyday for them... without wanting or needing a "thanks"...

I don't understand why some people work several jobs and many long hours a week, to provide for their families- doing the best that they can and yet it's just "not good enough" at times... and yet those same people that go out of their way to help others, get nothing in return...

I don't understand how some people complain about simple things and get their way, while others don't complain at all, and just try to take things in stride get the shaft.

I don't understand how the divorce rate can be so high, and how so many people can complain about their relationships with their spouse, while my husband and I (as well as many other military marriages) are doing all that we can just to savor every moment, letter, call, or word spoken to and are more in love than ever...

I don't understand how the people who I admire, respect, and love the most get hurt over and over again... my heart breaks for those people who just "take it day by day" and truly appreciate everything they have been given, and truly look for the good in every situation, while there are others who just seem to have life so easy... I know, I have NOT walked in the shoes of anyone but myself, but really, it just breaks my heart that so many people I know are hurting, but not complaining, yet I have others who are happy to rub their happiness in the faces of those same people hurting... aghhhh enough for my vent.

Has justice really been served?

Last week America heard about the killing of Osama Bin Laden, and as a military wife, many have asked "how I (or my husband) feel about it" or "how I think it's going to affect the war"... well, I can't answer either of those questions to be frank... and many people in the similar situation as myself find myself at a loss for words or answers when it comes to that topic. What I can say is that Osama Bin Laden was the murderer of over 3,000 innocent people just alone on September 11... I can also guarantee that if he knew where you or your family was, he would in fact take you out without second guessing anything. He took it upon himself to kill thousands and thousands of people before and after September 11. However, he is not the only one who is killing innocent people... Al Qaeda is still prominent in many areas, and the followers of them are around the entire world still scheming of things.

When news broke of his death, at first I was relieved and almost giddy with excitement- but that was short lived as about 1 minute after, I was shaken and couldn't sleep... my husband and many others are still in Afghanistan fighting a war saving so many innocent people abroad, as well as many of us who are living each day without a worry or care... Osama Bin Laden is just one person- yes, he was a "big leader", but the people who followed him are still around... we are still at war. The night the news came out, it seemed like everyone on facebook had some sort of opinion about the news- I didn't agree with some of their opinions as it seems they truly had no idea who this murderer was or what he did, or who in fact should get credit for the death of him. As news continued to trickle out and different stories of his death, his burial, and the people who were involved came about, many people again began to spout off different opinions... I was still indifferent about the whole situation... as relieved as I should've been, I was almost more scared and uneasy about everything.

First of all, let me remind you that regardless of your political party, or if you care for President Obama, HE was not there putting his life on the line- it was our soldiers who have continued to take it upon themselves to make the world a better place- THAT is where credit is due and needed- our soldiers DESERVE the credit... we have been at war for 10 years and this was indeed a "victory" for them... THEY deserve the credit. So many countless citizens have died fighting, while many people over here are giving credit to our President- who wait a second, wasn't it last month was almost freezing their pay? Regardless of if they were paid or not, they would still be over there... so, again, let's remember to give credit where credit is due- to our service-members who have, who are, and who will continue to fight.

Secondly, YOU have an opinion and are able to spout off your mouth about how you feel about this whole situation BECAUSE of my husband and those serving alongside him (and who have served before)... if you are a woman and lived where Osama Bin Laden was you wouldn't have a say- as a woman you have no rights, you have no voice, and quite honestly, you have no reason to be alive. I understand people were excited to hear about the death of Osama Bin Laden, BUT going out in the streets and celebrating? Really? Wasn't it Osama Bin Laden who in fact went out and celebrated the deaths of all those innocent lives lost on September 11? Let's not "stoop" to his level... celebrate if you wish, but do so in an appropriate matter- actions speak louder than words, and those celebrating in the streets are only enticing the Al Qaeda followers- again, my husband, and many others are still in an unsafe area fighting against those people who are watching and waiting for us to make a move. I'm not saying that you can't celebrate- go ahead and celebrate- surely, this is a job well done and something that was needed, as well as his death was well deserved for all those fighting- it was "justice" for those that needed it and a sense of "closure" to those that sought it for the attacks on September 11, but remember, YOU have the right to celebrate in a MODEST way- going out in the streets hooting and hollering like the murderer we killed, is not the "right" way...

I'm still torn on this whole situation, so if you're looking for my answers I have nothing. I'm just saying to remember about those who have served, who are serving, and who will serve. PRAY for them, as they're in more of an "unknowing/unsafe" area than ever before. Be THANKFUL for all the rights that you have as an American citizen.