Good ole R&R... it's one of the BEST things EVER... but also one of the WORST. It's pretty much 2 weeks of pure bliss/another honeymoon, but then the entire time you're fighting the thoughts of SENDING HIM BACK TO WAR. Yep... that's it in a nut shell.
We had our RR right around 8.5months into the deployment. Caleb was able to meet Kenzie for the first time and she was 2.5-3months old. It was SUCH a special time. It's just one of those feelings you can't really describe to anyone who hasn't gone through it. I said "cya later" to my husband in an empty, dark parking lot on a cold December (early) morning. We both knew that could've been the last time we were together... fast forward nearly 9months after SO many things had changed for the both of us... I was in a white dress with a photographer friend, and another friend who had done an amazing job getting me dolled up for my special moment. I had a sign welcoming him home but completely threw it the wayside when I saw him walk towards me. LITERALLY, THE WORLD STOPPED TURNING. I promise... at least in my own small world. I can't tell you just how relieved I was to have him in my arms... to give him his daughter for the first time... to have him SEE HER and not just have me explain her little, perfect details. In that moment, MY world stopped and everything was perfect. I got my "first kiss" all over again. I had waited for this moment for so long and FINALLY got it. It was perfect. Those 2 weeks flew by and we fit in as much as we could- family, friends, catching up on 3/4 of a year, and trying to fit a lifetime worth of activities into 15 days. At that point of Caleb's deployment I was not naive anymore... I wasn't the wife that dropped him off in the parking lot and hoped the year to just fly by. Nope. We had several family friends KIA, several close friends who got "that knock on the door"... war changes things. I just kept trying to hold it all together and wish the next 3 months by. I honestly had prayed him home for RR so that he could just MEET his daughter. I remember going to a safety class before bringing Kenzie home and just thinking "there's no way this girl is going to make it to our RR"... I LITERALLY stayed up holding her every night while she slept in fear that she wasn't going to wake up and never meet her daddy. Yep-- I was crazy, but it's what I honestly thought. Then, he came home and met her and everything was perfect... and THEN I had to send him BACK a second time... it just sucked. BUT, thankfully, he came back to us. My 2nd miracle of the year. Truly.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Mackenzie Elizabeth
I'll get into the details on a later post, but after a LOT of prayers, tears, drugs, time, tests, and just a plain miracle, Mackenzie Elizabeth came about...
Fast forward through all the weight gain (yep, I gained a house...), ALL day sickness, and oh, 9-10 months, Mackenzie Elizabeth Lohman was born on June 13, 2011 at 1:23pm. A week before, I decided to have a c-section. Yep, DECIDED. I know, I'm probably crazy to most people, but there were a few complications thrown in for good measure so the only thing I wanted was her... HERE... NOW and before a huge mission that was coming up for my husband. There was an official date and time... I HAD A COUNTDOWN! Ok, who doesn't have a countdown while being pregnant, but you hear all of those horror stories about women being induced because they were at 42 weeks... so, yes, I had a definite countdown. I wasn't allowed to drink or eat after midnight, and, my appointment was at 3pm so, I was ALL about sleeping through not being able to eat ;) However, I got a few text messages, FB messages, and another call to ask if I had wanted to go in earlier... umm, heck. yes. I called my mom, and dear friend, Jan (both at work) to ask if it'd be ok if they could clock out early. Then, I hopped in the shower, did my hair, makeup, etc... you know, I had to look good for walking into the hospital since I had to take it all off before I got into the OR... lame I tell you, lame. ;)
On the other side of the world, was my husband, who had NO IDEA that the c-section was getting bumped up. Not that he was going to be on the computer or anything for it, but we both wanted him to have a "time" so he knew that if the internet went out he'd know she was born. As time got closer and as I was in the hospital my nerves FINALLY started setting in and I just wanted to talk to him... but of course, when you want or need to, it's not something you can just do. There was talk between us wives that we were on a blackout but we weren't quite sure-- just NONE of us had talked to our husbands in like 5hrs, which doesn't seem like a whole lot of time, but it is when they're deployed. For about 30 minutes several of my wife friends were trying to find someone who was able to chat with their hubby and find mine to tell him it'd been bumped up (by about 3-4hrs).
While all of that was going on, I was trying to stay calm while getting an IV put in. I had had MANY shots, ivs', etc but as soon as they got it in I nearly passed out. At that point I had a minor meltdown thinking that if I couldn't even make it through the iv part there was NO WAY that I was making it through the c-section... that whole part went quick though. The next thing I knew my mom had my phone (just in case someone reached him) and I was laying down on the OR table. It was just SO quick.
My mom was in the hallway on FB (at that point, she didn't have an account and had no idea how to use it, on my phone none the less, and ESPECIALLY NOT the FB chat)... somehow she flagged down 2 dr who helped her figure it out and she was talking to Caleb. When they had her walk in she screamed that he was ON SKYPE. Again, it wasn't what we had planned that he be on the computer, in case something happened, but, we went with it.
SO... while my knight in shining armor was on skype I was laying down getting sick (of course) and didn't even realize what was going on. It was SUCH a blessing to not know at this point. I just remember all of the dr and OR staff ask where he was and they kept talking to him. I looked at my mom, who was completely turned around... something just seemed off. I heard a sucking sound, remember Caleb asking if I felt the person ON TOP OF ME, but nothing. I don't remember a thing. Just Caleb telling me how great I was doing. I remember telling Caleb before that some babies just don't cry when they come out... and, Kenzie didn't, so neither of us worried. I remember them showing him (I caught a quick glimpse of her purple TINY body) but that's it. A bit after, I was in the recovery room talking to Caleb but hadn't seen Kenzie yet. They brought her in and told us that she was PERFECT now, BUT while I was being reassured by my husband thousands of miles away, Kenzie came out not breathing and had completely failed the Apgar score. Literally- FAILED. She actually has two times that she was supposedly born-- 1:20 is when she was out, but 1:23 is when she first breathed. That sucking sound? The dr was using a VACUUM to get her out. After everything when he came to check on me he had said he just couldn't believe the whole situation. "In all of my 23 years of delivering babies I've NEVER had to use a vacuum, and of ALL times I was on skype delivering a soldier who was saving MY A** and families..." Yep. Kenzie is our little miracle baby who to this day does things HER way and makes it known. ;)
Fast forward through all the weight gain (yep, I gained a house...), ALL day sickness, and oh, 9-10 months, Mackenzie Elizabeth Lohman was born on June 13, 2011 at 1:23pm. A week before, I decided to have a c-section. Yep, DECIDED. I know, I'm probably crazy to most people, but there were a few complications thrown in for good measure so the only thing I wanted was her... HERE... NOW and before a huge mission that was coming up for my husband. There was an official date and time... I HAD A COUNTDOWN! Ok, who doesn't have a countdown while being pregnant, but you hear all of those horror stories about women being induced because they were at 42 weeks... so, yes, I had a definite countdown. I wasn't allowed to drink or eat after midnight, and, my appointment was at 3pm so, I was ALL about sleeping through not being able to eat ;) However, I got a few text messages, FB messages, and another call to ask if I had wanted to go in earlier... umm, heck. yes. I called my mom, and dear friend, Jan (both at work) to ask if it'd be ok if they could clock out early. Then, I hopped in the shower, did my hair, makeup, etc... you know, I had to look good for walking into the hospital since I had to take it all off before I got into the OR... lame I tell you, lame. ;)
On the other side of the world, was my husband, who had NO IDEA that the c-section was getting bumped up. Not that he was going to be on the computer or anything for it, but we both wanted him to have a "time" so he knew that if the internet went out he'd know she was born. As time got closer and as I was in the hospital my nerves FINALLY started setting in and I just wanted to talk to him... but of course, when you want or need to, it's not something you can just do. There was talk between us wives that we were on a blackout but we weren't quite sure-- just NONE of us had talked to our husbands in like 5hrs, which doesn't seem like a whole lot of time, but it is when they're deployed. For about 30 minutes several of my wife friends were trying to find someone who was able to chat with their hubby and find mine to tell him it'd been bumped up (by about 3-4hrs).
While all of that was going on, I was trying to stay calm while getting an IV put in. I had had MANY shots, ivs', etc but as soon as they got it in I nearly passed out. At that point I had a minor meltdown thinking that if I couldn't even make it through the iv part there was NO WAY that I was making it through the c-section... that whole part went quick though. The next thing I knew my mom had my phone (just in case someone reached him) and I was laying down on the OR table. It was just SO quick.
My mom was in the hallway on FB (at that point, she didn't have an account and had no idea how to use it, on my phone none the less, and ESPECIALLY NOT the FB chat)... somehow she flagged down 2 dr who helped her figure it out and she was talking to Caleb. When they had her walk in she screamed that he was ON SKYPE. Again, it wasn't what we had planned that he be on the computer, in case something happened, but, we went with it.
SO... while my knight in shining armor was on skype I was laying down getting sick (of course) and didn't even realize what was going on. It was SUCH a blessing to not know at this point. I just remember all of the dr and OR staff ask where he was and they kept talking to him. I looked at my mom, who was completely turned around... something just seemed off. I heard a sucking sound, remember Caleb asking if I felt the person ON TOP OF ME, but nothing. I don't remember a thing. Just Caleb telling me how great I was doing. I remember telling Caleb before that some babies just don't cry when they come out... and, Kenzie didn't, so neither of us worried. I remember them showing him (I caught a quick glimpse of her purple TINY body) but that's it. A bit after, I was in the recovery room talking to Caleb but hadn't seen Kenzie yet. They brought her in and told us that she was PERFECT now, BUT while I was being reassured by my husband thousands of miles away, Kenzie came out not breathing and had completely failed the Apgar score. Literally- FAILED. She actually has two times that she was supposedly born-- 1:20 is when she was out, but 1:23 is when she first breathed. That sucking sound? The dr was using a VACUUM to get her out. After everything when he came to check on me he had said he just couldn't believe the whole situation. "In all of my 23 years of delivering babies I've NEVER had to use a vacuum, and of ALL times I was on skype delivering a soldier who was saving MY A** and families..." Yep. Kenzie is our little miracle baby who to this day does things HER way and makes it known. ;)
"I don't know how you do it"
"I don't know how you do it..."
"Wait, so he WON'T be here for the BIRTH of your FIRST child??? After all that has happened??"
"I just can't believe that the Army isn't sending him home..."
"I just don't know what to say to you..."
I can't even remember just HOW many times I heard those statements (and many, many similar) over the course of the deployment... I can't remember because I a.lost count, b.stopped listening, and c.tried to block them out and forget those words...
Let me explain-- the people who said those things were near and dear to me and truly meant the best when saying it, but seriously, what am I supposed to say back? Ok, so let's go back to those statements....
"I don't know how you do it..."
--- In all honesty I don't know either. I just do. I do it because I love the man who is fighting for me, my family, and oh, the rest of the nation and nothing would ever change that, so, looks like I'm going to have to "do this". I do it because my husband and I were called to do this. I didn't want ANY sympathy (and still don't) when people said that-- my husband and I "signed up" for this life and "this life" has given us SO much-- yes, we've given a lot too, but we've also been so grateful for this lifestyle. I got through that year in a lot of ways:
--- with the help of our family in MI, and a WHOLE LOT of military wives/friends.
--- sleeping sideways... yep, you read that correctly. I'm still trying to figure out how to sleep like a normal person who is supposed to sleep parallel to the edge of the bed. All I knew was that our queen size bed was way too big for just me and I hated reaching over to "his side" and feeling the cold, empty sheets... so, sideways it was.
--- I cried... a lot. Most of the time it was either with other military wives... in public and back home in Michigan I held it together and put on a fake smile. to be quite frank, our friends and family NEEDED me to be strong for them. If they really knew what was going on, that we'd been on our 2nd blackout in 2 weeks, or that my skype connection was cut off because my husband's unit came under attack there'd be more questions that I JUST COULDN'T/didn't want to ANSWER.
--- I kept plenty busy, didn't sleep, clutched my phone day/night so to not miss a single call, and just plain didn't stay home so that I wouldn't constantly have the thought that there would be an unwelcomed knock at the door.
While Caleb was deployed I had surgery AND had a baby... yes, our first. *Shocker*. SO many people were absolutely blind sided that he wouldn't be able to make it home for the birth (of, again, our FIRST). I on the other hand could've cared less if he were with me or not-- that sounds terrible, but I wanted a late RR as I knew it'd be that much harder knowing he'd have to go back to a war zone that I knew about now (in the beginning I pretended to be naive and think he'd just sit inside on a computer all day- you do what you have to do to get through, let me tell you ;)). Let me explain something... the Army could care less about birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, surgeries, sickness', AND babies being born. Those things get in the way of missions, and MISSION/DUTY COMES FIRST. I know this... my husband knows this... the rest of our Army family knows this, but, unfortunately, some others don't, and it was REALLY hard to explain that. However, he WAS there for the birth. Somehow by the grace of God, even as things changed he was ON SKYPE and was with me the whole time :) It was such a blessing. He was the FIRST person to see Kenzie and I can vividly remember just feeling like he WAS there in the OR. So no, he wasn't the first to hold her, but he had another job to do, and from the moment he raised his right hand I knew that mission came first and our family came second... and that, is FINE :)
I can't thank our family, friends, and other military wives enough for how supportive they were to our family throughout those 12+ months. We are truly thankful. It's hard to be on the outside looking in, but y'all were AMAZING. Caleb and his "brothers" really appreciated all of the cards, cookies, care packages, etc... THANK YOU!!
"Wait, so he WON'T be here for the BIRTH of your FIRST child??? After all that has happened??"
"I just can't believe that the Army isn't sending him home..."
"I just don't know what to say to you..."
I can't even remember just HOW many times I heard those statements (and many, many similar) over the course of the deployment... I can't remember because I a.lost count, b.stopped listening, and c.tried to block them out and forget those words...
Let me explain-- the people who said those things were near and dear to me and truly meant the best when saying it, but seriously, what am I supposed to say back? Ok, so let's go back to those statements....
"I don't know how you do it..."
--- In all honesty I don't know either. I just do. I do it because I love the man who is fighting for me, my family, and oh, the rest of the nation and nothing would ever change that, so, looks like I'm going to have to "do this". I do it because my husband and I were called to do this. I didn't want ANY sympathy (and still don't) when people said that-- my husband and I "signed up" for this life and "this life" has given us SO much-- yes, we've given a lot too, but we've also been so grateful for this lifestyle. I got through that year in a lot of ways:
--- with the help of our family in MI, and a WHOLE LOT of military wives/friends.
--- sleeping sideways... yep, you read that correctly. I'm still trying to figure out how to sleep like a normal person who is supposed to sleep parallel to the edge of the bed. All I knew was that our queen size bed was way too big for just me and I hated reaching over to "his side" and feeling the cold, empty sheets... so, sideways it was.
--- I cried... a lot. Most of the time it was either with other military wives... in public and back home in Michigan I held it together and put on a fake smile. to be quite frank, our friends and family NEEDED me to be strong for them. If they really knew what was going on, that we'd been on our 2nd blackout in 2 weeks, or that my skype connection was cut off because my husband's unit came under attack there'd be more questions that I JUST COULDN'T/didn't want to ANSWER.
--- I kept plenty busy, didn't sleep, clutched my phone day/night so to not miss a single call, and just plain didn't stay home so that I wouldn't constantly have the thought that there would be an unwelcomed knock at the door.
While Caleb was deployed I had surgery AND had a baby... yes, our first. *Shocker*. SO many people were absolutely blind sided that he wouldn't be able to make it home for the birth (of, again, our FIRST). I on the other hand could've cared less if he were with me or not-- that sounds terrible, but I wanted a late RR as I knew it'd be that much harder knowing he'd have to go back to a war zone that I knew about now (in the beginning I pretended to be naive and think he'd just sit inside on a computer all day- you do what you have to do to get through, let me tell you ;)). Let me explain something... the Army could care less about birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, surgeries, sickness', AND babies being born. Those things get in the way of missions, and MISSION/DUTY COMES FIRST. I know this... my husband knows this... the rest of our Army family knows this, but, unfortunately, some others don't, and it was REALLY hard to explain that. However, he WAS there for the birth. Somehow by the grace of God, even as things changed he was ON SKYPE and was with me the whole time :) It was such a blessing. He was the FIRST person to see Kenzie and I can vividly remember just feeling like he WAS there in the OR. So no, he wasn't the first to hold her, but he had another job to do, and from the moment he raised his right hand I knew that mission came first and our family came second... and that, is FINE :)
I can't thank our family, friends, and other military wives enough for how supportive they were to our family throughout those 12+ months. We are truly thankful. It's hard to be on the outside looking in, but y'all were AMAZING. Caleb and his "brothers" really appreciated all of the cards, cookies, care packages, etc... THANK YOU!!
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