CAUTION: *rant ahead*

I know that there have been plenty of times where I've opened my mouth, and should've kept it shut as shortly afterwards, inserted my foot into my mouth. I also know there have been times in which I've said things to military members and not thought twice until I've been in that situation... but how about I save people the mistake of some people...

Throughout this deployment I have had many people say outlandish things to myself or my parents... and usually, I'm told things when people ASK me how I'm doing... when I answer "ok- I haven't heard from him in a few days, as we're on a blackout (meaning someone has been KIA)", or "ok, it's been hard the past few days"... that's USUALLY about the time when that person (who ASKED ME how I was doing- maybe I should just NOT answer with the TRUTH)... says something like, "well, YOU DID sign up for this ya know..." OK. PLEASE. STOP. RIGHT. THERE. I didn't "sign" anything but my marriage license. I "signed up" for this life by supporting my husband who is SAVING YOU and your sorry-self, family, friends who didn't "sign up". My husband "signed up" so you can say those things. (Again, this is only a rant, so please, don't take offense to any of this... just merely trying to help people understand things). Again, I didn't "sign up" for anything... and when you say things like that, it makes one think that I KNEW that there would be blackouts, that I KNEW that we would lose friends during this deployment, that I KNEW how hard this "lifestyle" can be... seriously?! Did I tell you "well, you signed up for that" if you lose a job, family member, or things don't go according to plan, or when you're just venting a bit? NO, I didn't, so don't tell me that either.

When communications are down, I've gotten, "well, why don't you just call/text him"... or when I freak out because my phone doesn't have service, or it dies, one says "don't worry, he'll leave you a message"... ok, first of all, the soldiers had to leave their phones here- I can't just "text/call" him when I want... I am one of those sorry people that sit by the computer or hold my phone all day/night just to make sure I don't miss him... and give me a break when I freak out about not wanting to miss his call/message... he's going through more things than I or you will ever know, and if he wants to talk to me, this is my job- to wait for him and be there for him- even if it's just to listen to him. You try going days without hearing ANYTHING from your loved one who is in a war-zone, and let me know how that goes for you... the waiting for that call/email/chat.

"He'll be back before you know it" or "it hasn't seemed THAT long..." ok... I've HONESTLY used this line to my military friends- it's something we say to try to help/encourage that time will keep moving... BUT it doesn't make it any easier. Yes, time DOES seem to go by quickly (at times), but those times that you wait, and wait, and wait, seem like weeks... and yes, at times, it doesn't seem like almost 8months ago I kissed/held my husband... but the reality is, it WAS about 8 months ago, and that's 8 months on ANY/ALL calendars... it's still a long time. I know come December, I'll be thinking "wow, that didn't seem THAT long," but half of that is plain denial, and a coping method, but I know I will never forget those days where I sat, praying to hear something.

When I was expecting Kenzie, I got a LOT of "well, won't he be able to come home for the birth? WHY can't he come home for her birth? I can't believe he's not going to be here for the birth..." For those of you who have had a child- did the birth go according to plan? Did you KNOW when you were going to have your baby? Probably not. My husband couldn't come home for her birth because there's a "time-frame" for the soldiers on when they might be able to come home, and as it is with the military, it's not set-in-stone. He couldn't come home for her birth because he was doing something that was bigger than himself and it's where he needed to be at this point in our lives. As for him not being here- he WAS here- he skyped the whole thing, and I've never felt so much more connected... and if we had it our way, he would have "been" here, but it is what it is... he obviously would've been here if he could have, but don't worry- he's an amazing dad and will be "here" for as much as he can for her life... he may not have "been here" for her birth but he will be here and completely involved in every part of her life, thanks.

I should stop with the ranting before I get ahead of myself... again, by no means am I trying to offend anyone, but more just venting about stuff in general... just try to think before you speak... :)

Kenzie

Whoa- WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE!? Praise the LORD... seriously. This deployment NEEDS to get going! Kenzie arrived a month (and a day) ago... she's been such a blessing, and has helped make this year go a bit faster- that, or maybe I just don't even know if it's day/night or WHAT day it really is... phew, this mama needs some serious sleep! I hear I'll get "sleep" in like 18 years... but, I'm 24 and I know MY mom STILL stays up and worries about me if I'm out, traveling, etc... sooo, cool, it was nice knowing you "sleep"!... jk... I love EVERY minute with her- even those 3am feedings where my eyes are about to pop out of my head as I'm looking at the clock to make sure I didn't JUST put her back to sleep... I swear, there's been PLENTY of times where I hear her cry and I'm like "no way... I JUST put you to sleep..." (checks the clock) "no way... it IS time for you to eat"... yup, even THOSE moments I just love, love, love.

I absolutely adore Kenzie- I can't help but catch myself starting at her for 45minutes (and Caleb wonders WHAT we "do" during the day... hmmm, does "staring at our baby for hours on end" count as SOMETHING?) I just love it though... and love every single part of her, but that could also be because she's a mini-me of Caleb... yeah, no joke. Her eyes haven't changed, and we're still waiting on her hair color to "decide" what it's going to be... but besides that, she has his nose, his eyes, ears, face, etc... she has my lips and that's about it... I guess she also has a bit of my "stubborn-ness"- but I'm pretty proud of the fact that I'm still MORE stubborn than she is, which helps in those times of her apparently STARVING (even though she JUST ate) but yet spits her formula out and "giggles"... *insert bottle BACK into the mouth* "girlfriend, I know you're hungry- it's 3:30am and you NEED to eat this"... *spits out more formula and "giggles"... "oh no... I KNOW you're hungry- I know it's not AS WARM as you'd like, but seriously..." *after about 5-10minutes of this, ding ding ding- MAMA WINS! as Kenzie finishes the entire bottle*. She also apparently has allergy issues-- just like me... whooo, yeah, she has the BEST qualities of me... psh. How come I carried her and was sick almost every day and she looks JUST LIKE Caleb?! jk... REALLY, I LOVE every part of her... especially those times when I'm REALLY missing my better half (her "twin") and all I have to do is look at her, see her daddy, and then realize just how blessed we are... aghhhhhhhhhhh... love, love, love it.