The phrase "no news is good news" is definitely over-rated... I never fully understood this whole concept until Caleb deployed. Since December, this is the ONE phrase that I would just like to throw out the window... it's true, but at the same point, it seriously sucks, and I feel that over the past 5 months, this quote has been more present than ever...
Caleb deployed with over 3000 other soldiers to Afghanistan between December and January. As I've said before, I don't know ALL of these men and women, or their families, but I "know" them... I know the hardships they're facing, and to some extent, I know of them... someone I know really knows them. When the worst-possible thing can happen during a deployment, we go on a "blackout"... for those that are in the military, a blackout is one of the worst things to deal with. Blackouts can last anywhere between a few hours to a week or more... I can't even begin to describe all the emotions that come with a blackout. Anger, fear, guilt, hope, sorrow, worry, doubt, dread, anxiousness, etc... Someone, somewhere is receiving the worst possible news... my heart skips a beat every time my phone rings or heaven forbid someone drives down my street/towards my house, or even worse, comes innocently to my parent's house... we've been on at least 2 hands-worth of "blackouts" this deployment alone, and it never gets any easier.
Some ask how I know we're on a blackout.. well, when you have spouses back here waiting every single day to hear from their loved ones, there comes a certain time in the day where if you don't hear from them, you start to ask other wives if they've heard anything. Once you get to more than a handful of wives that haven't heard from their soldier (out of all the units we sent from Fort Knox) we know what it is. So, this is what it is to wait... waiting for some type of news- any news, from anyone really. We all text each other back and forth like crazy, and go on facebook for ANY sort of communication from any husband deployed. We just wait... and that's the hardest. I can't even begin to tell you how many text messages I've gotten from wives, how many times I've looked at the clock and realized that it's been 2minutes since the last time I checked, how many times I've hit the "refresh" button on FB, my email, or FB chat to see if there's been ANYTHING. My stomach is in knots, my head hurts, and I've been fighting back tears all day just waiting. I can't even begin to describe my chats with God today... almost begging or making some type of bargains with Him... I have never prayed so much or so hard in my entire life, but throughout this deployment, it's the one thing that I still find comforting (besides the times I'm talking to Caleb)... I know God is in complete control of things, and I just need more faith at times, but in these times, I'm still trying to find faith... and still trying to hold on to the hope and faith that I have left, but at times it still doesn't seem enough. Caleb uses the "no news is good news", as well as many of our friends and family... and while the saying comes from the military (and especially during "blackout" times), hearing it said aloud doesn't make it any easier. At some point, SOMEONE is going to get news... and while the waiting for "no news" or ANY news is hard, it's almost harder KNOWING... knowing that someone has given their life for our freedom, that someone has been told the worst news possible, and at times, it's someone my husband and I know. It just hits way too close to home- even if it's not a soldier my husband works/lives with, it's a soldier that we "know"...
When a blackout is lifted, the people not directly involved take a huge sigh of relief, and can actually breathe again... we're able to finally talk with our husbands, and we all start texting each other letting the others know, that we've heard from our loved one, and that all is well b/c "no news is good news" until we hear from them... however, upon talking with our husbands, we hear what happened, and know why we were on a blackout and that's when the reality sets in... it may not have been us, but it IS someone we know... and then we get the phone calls and mass emails about a memorial service, or the family involved, or how we can help... it just saddens me and again, hits too close to home. My husband whom I love with all my heart and is my entire world is still over there, fighting for us, for those "over there", and fighting for his life. 5 months "down" with this deployment, and two-handfuls of "blackouts" and it doesn't get easier... in fact, I think it just gets harder... it's one day closer to being with my beloved, but it's also another day that he's over there and not here...
Sarah, No words can comfort those sort of feeling that the "blackout" period brings. I know during periods of hardship often times the other military wives and families left behind become your "family" and I know you're missing that right now. But know that God has every intention of things working out exactly how he's planned them. Even though there is nothing more tragic than loosing a soldier, a commrade, a friend, a husband or family member we have to be at peace knowing God would have taken them when it was their time. No matter where they were at in the world when that time came. Whether it be in Traffic in NY city, on a farm in kansas or the forests of afghanistan. All I can say is Pray, pray, pray. Know that we are all praying with you. Love you!
ReplyDelete