Ok, so before I say anything- those of you who have been keeping up with our blog may find this one a bit "less like" the other posts... so, if you want to have a laugh or two (as you have with previous posts) you may want to skip this one... but if you do read this, may my words encourage/strengthen/uplift you...
There are things that I don't understand... and may never understand. Daily tasks sometimes overwhelm me as I don't understand simple things... such as our TV/DVR... no matter how many times Caleb SHOWS me how to use it, I just don't understand... I don't understand some of our appliances... I don't understand a lot of military jargon (as I should/need to know!)... but those don't even compare to some of the other things that I don't understand... yesterday was a trying day with my students... it crushed me... my heart broke for the students. Throughout the day, SEVERAL, yes, SEVERAL of my students made threats to other classmates/schoolmates... what in the world?! They're in THIRD GRADE! When I was in third grade I think my biggest "issue" was whether my dog ate my homework or not (in which case, Katie, our beloved dog, truly did eat it... which led me to study hall- where I bawled..); that or my issue was passing the mile test in gym... which didn't happen... however, going back to this serious issue... several of my kids made threats and horrible comments to their friends... my heart BROKE... into A THOUSAND PIECES. How can kids be so cruel to each other? My mind was bogged down by all the thoughts that I had about this... I just couldn't fathom MY KIDS acting like this... it ripped me- to my core. I couldn't teach... I stopped every lesson and talked with my kids... this is what happened: I immediately had them put EVERYTHING away and come sit with me... I looked at each and everyone of the students in the circle- seriously looked at them- for about 5 seconds each (talk about feeling uncomfortable I'm sure! My kids have NEVER seen me like this- let alone have heard me raise my voice)... but boy, they knew I was serious. DEAD SERIOUS. I told them how hurt I was because they were being so cruel to each other- I said that it hurt me- like it would any parent- I told them that they are my "kids" as I don't have any... when they hurt, I hurt... when someone makes them feel bad, I feel bad... I feel for them- when they are happy I am happy- when they celebrate, you better believe I want to be right there celebrating with them... when they cry- I cry. My heart/soul is in each and every one of these children. I feel responsible for them- in any and everything that they do. I felt responsible for the students who made threats... "what? MY STUDENT said that? No... they wouldn't... what?" I just couldn't fathom any of it... and it CRUSHED ME. I then spoke to the children saying that I cared about each and everyone of them... truly CARED for them. Some students looked at me puzzled... one asked "why"... then I responded with "why not? Have you ever been told that you are cared for?" The student replied: "NO." (what??!?!?!?!?) This student- MY STUDENT has gone almost 10 years of his life never being told that someone CARED FOR THEM. My heart broke. Tears welled up in my eyes (I did NOT cry- until they all left after school).. how could they go so many years without someone saying something? THAT'S WHY SO MANY TEENS DO THE THINGS THEY DO TODAY- THEY DON'T FEEL CARED ABOUT- NO ONE HAS TOLD THEM! Again, I looked at each and every one of my students and said (with an even longer gaze...) "I CARE. I CARE SO MUCH... FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. I CARE ABOUT YOU... if you haven't been told that before- I am telling you TODAY... I CARE. I CARE FOR YOU- EACH OF YOU- WITH ALL OF MY HEART. Know that Mrs. Lohman cares for you... (yes, I said "Mrs. Lohman")... so many of the kids looked back with tears in their eyes... I hope I touched each of them as much as they have personally touched me... I couldn't (and still can't) fathom going for so long without someone telling them they are loved... that they're cared for... my WHOLE LIFE I have been told that- TIME AND TIME AGAIN. I have been so incredibly blessed to have been raised by such amazing parents, who I now consider my best friends... no matter what I did or didn't do... my parents told me that they cared... they loved... they were proud... of ME. NO MATTER WHAT. That is the true love/compassion for a child... children NEED to feel cared for and loved... I thank God every day that I have the parents that I do- and thank him for the all the years that they have blessed me with. I don't know who I would be without the support/love/encouragement of my parents (and family). Going back to my students- I cried after school. As soon as the last student stepped into the hall I burst into tears... I cried out "Lord, help me touch these students... they are hurting- fill their heart with love and let them know they care. Help them realize that their thoughts and actions touch those around them. Help me understand... help me understand so that I can help them. Guide me Father... use me... USE ME." I still question why MY KIDS would do this... but then realized that half of their parents are deployed... how can I understand how much hurt these kids are going through? People ask me "how do you do it- knowing your husband is fighting/could give his own life for our country"- I reply with "I just DO. That's what it comes down to in the military- just DO. When a soldier is in the field and one of their comrads fall- they just DO. They don't think- we are a family- the military- we just do- we don't think... you DO things to get you through- you know that you have to DO something... anything... and that's how we get through." On the other hand, I get through by support/encouragement/prayer/a relationship with God/relationships with family and friends/and growing up... years of hurt/experiences has made me who I am.. but what about those kids- those NOT EVEN 10 year old kids- who have never been told that they're loved- who don't have a relationship with Christ- who don't have a parent at home... who haven't learned what to DO? What do they do? They haven't had the years of experience that I have... and I don't understand so many things... how can I possibly teach my students things when I don't understand? Those students are my heros... they are MY teacher... I look to them for encouragement/support... they are the ones that go home and don't hear from their parents... they go home and have to be that voice that their mother/father needs to hear when they can't hear their best friends/spouses voice... they are that hug/kiss/smile/wink that their parents need... I don't understand how strong they can be... but BLESS THEM. BLESS THEM- FOR WHAT THEY DO- EVERY DAY OF THEIR LIVES... I realized after school that almost 5 of my kids were expecting their parents to come home from a tour- AN ENTIRE TOUR- A YEAR... then, a volcano around the world keeps their parents from coming home... from coming to THEM. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. "Why isn't my parent coming home today? Why are their "welcome home" signs up in our yard/all around post and they're not here? I DON'T UNDERSTAND." No wonder today was CHAOS... they don't understand what's going on...
On another note... I don't understand how some people can have "oops" babies, while others try for years... I don't understand why people end life- without thinking of others, or how their actions are going to affect those around them... I don't understand how people can go hungry all over the world... yet we throw food away without even thinking... I don't understand why we are fighting in a war and soldiers are GIVING THEIR LIVES EVERY DAY for people back here who stand on courthouse steps holding signs protesting the war... I don't understand why people aren't thankful for our soldiers who have fought in many wars to have and ensure the freedoms that we have today... WHY?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
Some of you reading this have a relationship with God and question him sometimes... question him on your lack of understanding... and your purpose. I question my purpose at times- "Lord, what's my purpose? What am I supposed to be doing? Why did you put me here/why are you doing this/why is this happening?/etc." Last week I watched the movie "Facing the Giants"- if you have not watched this movie- RENT IT- TONIGHT. DON'T WASTE TIME... it will touch your soul... like it did mine. After watching it, I cried out: "Lord USE ME. GUIDE ME. SHOW ME MY PURPOSE. GIVE ME A PURPOSE. USE ME!!! Every day I have repeated this prayer- God USE ME. SHOW ME WHAT MY PURPOSE IS"- (every day we have a purpose- whether it's a smile at someone, holding the door open, speaking words of advice/etc. YOU HAVE A PURPOSE- EVERY DAY). A light-bulb went on in my head... I'm asking God to USE ME... but I need to make myself be USABLE... I need to DO something... so... this is what I did... and DO... every day. Before school starts I walk into my room and pray. "God touch these students. USE ME. MAY MY PURPOSE TODAY be a light in the lives of each and every one of these students. Lord, be with each of these students- heal them, let them understand. GUIDE THEM like you're guiding me." Yes, I pray for each and everyone of my students- and even though each day may hold surprises/downfalls (what day doesn't!?) I know that everything is going to be OK because God is already there.. he IS touching the lives of these students... HE is with them when they think that no one is.. HE cares about them when they think no one is... HE is healing their cold/empty heart and filling it with HIS love. HE is their father/mother when their "Earthly" father/mother can't be with them... I have a purpose each and every day- like EACH ONE OF YOU... YOU have a purpose in life... you may not always understand what/why/when/who/etc. but know that you have a purpose... don't expect to always understand (because you won't)... rest assured that GOD is with you and will guide you... when you have him as your guide you don't need to understand- just follow... JUST DO. Bless each and everyone of you who have read this entire post... sorry I just get so caught up/passionate about things that I keep typing :) AND on a final note just know that I care about each and every one of you... I CARE. JESUS CARES. BE BLESSED AND KNOW THAT YOU HAVE A PURPOSE.
We LOVE Facing the Giants and all of the Sherwood films. Tom and I were just talking about it last week. You see, he's a therapist, working with the very same type of kids you are talking about. Kids who have not only been not told that they are loved and cared for, but often times also used and abused. It's hard to try to let them see the big picture and put the expectation of change onto 3rd graders! It's such a broken system.
ReplyDeleteAll it takes is one person. I'll bet many of these kids remember yesterday for the rest of their lives. You may be the catalyst for these kids to realize that they have the power to change their lives. You hear so few stories of kids rising from the ashes -- but then you hear about the few who were inspired by "that teacher" that encouraged them and let them know that they were somebody, they were of worth. I'm thankful for teachers like you.
Thank you to Caleb and the many soldiers fighting for our country. Fighting for our freedom, fighting for our liberties. Even when Americans are ungrateful. Despite leaders that don't understand the big picture. Thank you for the sacrifices that you make each day -- the biggest right now being away from your beautiful wife. Thank you.
You are incredible, and I am so incredibly humbled at the blessing of getting to have YOU as my sister, and ontop of that being able to call you my best friend. Sarah, you give me hope for the world, and you shine God's grace and love on the world around you so brightly that when I am around you the evil of the world seems to melt away. GOD. SHINES. THROUGH. YOU. What an incredible 'God Moment'. He gave you those words. He made you stop those students yesterday to say that to them. They may never have heard those words, but through you yesterday they understood that they were loved, wanted, and made for a purpose, through you they were able to see a glimpse of the love their heavenly father has for them. I am having a hard time holding back tears right now, tears of joy at the amazing things God is doing in this world through my incredible sister who is simply open. Thank you for reminding me that to have a relationship we don't have to be 'extraordinary' (although you are :-)), or have everything together, because the truth is, we can't do anything on our own. Thank you for reminding me that we simply have to be 'open' and let God work through us. Thank you for the blessing of this post, truly Sarah, this is exactly what I needed. Thank you for reminding me of the blessing of being an ordinary person who serves an extraordinary God!!! I LOVE YOU!!! KEEP SHINING!!!
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