Did you hear about...?!?!

As a military wife with my husband deployed I can promise you that I don't listen or watch the news... I almost go out of my way to not hear about things... and honestly, it's tough. It's not like I'm naive to things- I know what's going on- I'm not THAT naive and "out of the loop"... I just choose not to really focus on what's going on. I've heard is said that "there is a lot I don't know that I wish I did; but there is a lot I do know that I wish I didn't"- this is so true, more so now in my life than ever. Everyday I hear about something that happens "over there" that I wish I didn't know... I can't even tell you how my heart sinks whenever I hear about someone who has given the ultimate sacrifice... the person who was killed had a family- they were someone's son, possibly a husband, possibly a father... but either way they knew someone who cared about them more than they will ever know. Someone back here got the worst news possible, and it tears me apart like any other military wife because even if we don't know them, we do "know them"- we can relate to them in many ways most people will never know. Even if I hear about something that happens, such as Taliban escaping, it terrifies me... just like anyone else back home waiting for their loved one. So, whenever I have someone (who truly means well, I know) ask me if I've heard about "this" happening... "this" meaning something crazy/terrible/nuts that has happened over there it irritates me... then, when I say "no" they reply with, "oh, well then in that case, don't worry"... oh ok, thanks for the tip- I won't worry... I'll just pretend I didn't hear what you just asked/told me... I know people mean well and are just asking, but I've had a lot of people ask me what they can do to help military spouses in the "civilian world"- one piece of advice- NEVER ask if someone has heard about something that has happened "over there"- our answer will either be A. NO, we haven't- thanks for telling us, now I have THAT to think about, or B. Yes, I have heard about that- thanks for the REMINDER. Really guys, come on, help us out- please, please, please just don't bring up the news with us- we DO know more than you think regardless of how much/little news we watch/hear. We are doing whatever we can to get through a year without our loved ones right next to us... ALL you have to do is tell us that you're praying for our soldier and we're completely content with life. Really... it's that easy, just tell us "we're praying for them"... no news, no details, no questions... thanks :)

No- he won't be here for that...

You all know by now that we're expecting a little girl (Mackenzie Elizabeth)- due June 19. Before I go about my rant, let me tell you that Caleb is unable to come home for the birth... we are OK with this... seriously. When I tell people that no, Caleb won't be here in the delivery room they freak out and start apologizing- for what exactly I have no idea... do not pity us that he's not going to be right next to me- again, we are FINE with it... it honestly bugs the crud out of me that people get so upset that he's not going to be riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight there... we really don't have much of a choice folks. So he's going to miss the birth- it's not like he's going to miss much else... my husband is going to be the most devout father I know, and will do anything and everything to witness everything he can. I don't know what people want me to say when they start apologizing- some have even cried... seriously, get over it. Again, we are not in control of the situation, and are again, FINE WITH IT. If we're completely ok with the situation we're in then why should anyone else care? Don't feel bad for us- just thank my husband for doing everything he is over there to keep us safe... you think we have it bad? Talk to the wife who found out she has a serious illness- do you think her husband can just come home? NOPE. What about the young wife who was expecting their first child, and miscarried after her husband left? Again, no. Well, what about weddings, birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and every other holiday? No. Sorry to tell you guys, but they don't get to just "come home" for those things... they miss a year filled with that stuff... and of course they want to be here, but it's not an option for them... so if we're all trying to deal with it how about everyone else just stop questioning everything else and not have pity on us... we can't do a thing about it.

"All gave some, some gave all."

A week ago today, my military family got word of a fallen comrade in Caleb's troop. Last weekend all the wives back here were "uneasy" as none of us had heard anything from any of our husbands. I can't tell you the amount of texts I received and sent from other spouses/friends (some in different units) that asked the same thing "have you heard from your hubby?" No. None of us heard ANYTHING. By Saturday night we all knew something was wrong, but just had to wait. I can't even describe how terrible the waiting feels. You don't even know what you're waiting for- but all you want, is to hear from your husband... I know I didn't sleep much at all, as I was up praying for my husband, his comrades, and all of the families... Sunday morning I "got the call" saying that someone had been killed, and several others had been critically injured... as relieved as I was, I didn't know WHO had been affected by this "incident"... again, we all waited. I finally heard from Caleb shortly after, and was so relieved. At first we were only able to chat via facebook messages, and every single typed letter made me smile... I heard from my husband. While talking to him, and several other wives we found out who had been injured and killed... and our hearts broke for his family/friends, as well as our soldiers. This comrade of Caleb's laid his life down for us... he will never be forgotten. I can't imagine the pain and hurt that my husband and his friends had to deal with- he was one of their friends. I did not know the man very well, but I knew him... I also knew his wife and his family. We all mourned the loss of this soldier, and will continue to go on with our lives, but his family is forever changed... and we are all forever changed. Please continue to pray for our soldiers (and their families)- every day. They need more prayers, encouragement, and support than any of us know, or will ever know. Keep them in your thoughts and prayers every day and night.

I'm no Hero

Were it not for the BRAVE, there would be no land of the FREE. God Bless Our Soldiers.
“Let me be a free man. Free to travel. Free to stop. Free to work.  Free to choose my own teachers. Free to follow the religion of my fathers. Free to think and talk and act for myself.”

A few weeks ago I was in a fabric store, and while the clerk was cutting out the camo-colors, I told her what I was making, and that my husband is currently deployed. We chatted for about 10 minutes about the war, Caleb, our bundle of joy coming in less than 12 weeks, and random other things. When she was all done, she got teary-eyed, stopped what she was doing and shook my hand. "Thank YOU for everything that you're doing. Thank your husband as well for serving ALL of us. I am free because of him, and my grand-daughter, whom I adore and love with all of my heart has a better life and is free because of him and his soldiers. Thank you- your husband and you are my hero's..., none of you get the thanks you truly deserve." WOW. I was dumbfounded and at a loss for words. I told her I was no hero, because I'm really not doing anything, but thank you, and that I would tell him thanks from her... I was fighting back tears the entire way out of the store. SHE called ME a hero... I am NO hero by any means. My husband is my hero, and the hero of many others. The soldiers fighting for us and the soldiers who have fought for us are the true heroes, but I don't consider myself a hero. I'm not the one thousands of miles away from my family and friends for an entire year... I'm not the one who has to stay up for days at a time. While I'm complaining about working an 8 hour day ("a FULL work day") my husband and his comrades have been up for 12 hours and are STILL working, and aren't complaining. They don't get a day off- yes, they work every day of the year... and did I mention that there are no sick days? There aren't. I'm not the one who has gone through months-years of training and have missed holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries... I'm here, able to share in those holidays with other friends and family members. I'm definitely not a hero... a hero is described as someone with exceptional courage, nobility, and strength. Well, that does NOT mean me- what-so-ever. I am not a courageous person- people may think I am because I'm a military wife, and so I may be considered "courageous or strong" because of that title, but it is not my usual nature. I am courageous and strong because I have to be. I am strong/courageous for my family/friends back here, and I am strong for my husband. I wouldn't have it any other way though. I am strong because my husband is strong. I admire him in so many ways, and look up to him- due to that, I am strong. I want to be more like him. I wish I had half the strength he does, and half the determination, drive, heart, desire, perseverance, and courage. My husband is my hero. As for that lady though, if I can be her hero I will be- because even though I'm not a "spitting image" of my husband, I do take pride in the fact that he has helped make me the person I am today, so if that heroism has rubbed off from him then so be it. Caleb is my hero... he always has been and always will be.

It's just a year...

I'm up, which isn't all that surprising seeing how I haven't been sleeping for the past 2 months or so- whether it's because my husband is gone, or I have a little one bouncing around/kicking me, I'm not quite sure, but what I do know is that I'M WIDE AWAKE. I have so much frustration, hurt, anger, and impatience surging through my veins right now, that I can't even imagine sleeping right now. I'm praying for patience, a kind heart, and some peace, but it's not coming easy. As all of you know, today is the big "love holiday"... I was completely fine throughout the entire day, as Caleb and I don't really "celebrate" this day, but towards the end of the day it really, really, really started to take it's toll on me...status after status on facebook made my heart break, and I just grew more frustrated the longer I stayed on, so I decided to go to sleep so that the day would just be over with... and how unsettling is that? I'm going to bed, so that I can just move on to tomorrow- aghh, so sad it seems. Before I say anything, I'm NOT asking for pity- that's the LAST THING I WANT... I just am venting... ;)

After sharing my thoughts about this day, and actually over the past 2 months or so I've heard similar thoughts from people... "oh, it's only a year" or "he'll be back before you know it", or... "it's a year, it'll FLY BY, and it's ONLY A YEAR... it's such a short time to be apart"... whenever I hear these comments I try my best to stay calm and just hold everything in, and it literally takes every ounce in my body NOT to break down and come unglued, although, I guess I could blame it on the pregnancy "crazy" hormones... since moving back into the "civilian" world I have come to realize that some people truly want to understand, but just can't if they haven't been in the situation- I get that. I also get that people may not know what to say, and think that what they're saying is helping in the situation, I get that as well- believe me, I do. I fully believe in the goodness of others, and am so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family, but seriously... give me a freakin' break... a year is NOT a short time... I'm sure thinking back on a year it seems like it goes by fast (at times), and I've been known to catch myself say "gosh, I can't believe that was already a year ago!" HOWEVER... I do believe that these sayings don't happen during a deployment year. IT'S A YEAR PEOPLE. I'm a math teacher, so with my calculations... a year is 365 days (thankfully it's not a leap year this year!)... so 365 days... which is 52 weeks (roughly)... which is over 8700 hours... 525600 minutes, and way too many seconds to think about my better half. Again, I understand the good intentions of people, but seriously, don't tell me it's going to fly by if you haven't had to wait by the phone or computer all day HOPING to hear from him... let alone have to go days without talking... and when I say "talking" I mean most likely instant messaging... I'm thankful I live in an age with technology because skype is awesome, but seriously, skyping doesn't do it justice. Not a minute goes by where I don't think of him... not an hour ticks away where I haven't prayed... I'm telling you- I spend more seconds/minutes/hours on my knees praying than anything else... don't tell me that it's flying by... because it's NOT. Yes, I'll admit that some days seem "shorter" than others, but those are the days that I get to talk to my husband... don't tell me it's "a short time" because you're not the one staying by your phone, or NOT staying at home in fear of the worst because you HAVEN'T heard from him... anything that crosses my mind throughout those minutes/hours during a day has to wait to be told- in an email or over the computer... I can't just shoot my husband a text telling him that I'm thinking about him... and he can't do the same. Don't tell me that "he'll be back before you know it"... I know he'll be back... but it's definitely a long time... put yourselves in the shoes of my military families and I...try:
-going a day without hearing from your husband/wife
-not to share some important news- and by important I mean, family/health/work/financial issues
-spending every holiday for the next YEAR apart (with/without gifts- and if you DO do gifts, send them in the mail- 2-3 weeks in advance so that it'll HOPEFULLY get there in time)
-go to bed every night by yourself... your bed will seem a LOT bigger than it used to
-tell someone you love them over and over in a conversation so that you'll always end it with that if the computer goes down
-fixing things/dealing with things while they're gone- EVERYTHING that can happen WILL happen during a deployment... I can't tell you just how many of my friends have dealt with health issues, family crisis', car/house repairs, etc... all by themselves
-having to wake up/get ready every day and attempt to keep everything running smoothly for those around you because you HAVE to hold it together for others
-oh, and go 365 days without holding the one you love-their hand, getting a kiss or hug, etc...
After attempting to do those, come talk to me- oh, and throw in the fact that they're in a war zone... just sayin'. Again, I'm terribly sorry if this offends anyone, as I'm not trying to by anymeans, and I am so blessed by my wonderful family/friends/military friends- I'm not singling anyone out by this, and maybe I should blame it on my pregnancy hormones, as I might just sound a bit critical for some, but seriously... I'm just tired of having people say "oh, it'll go fast"... or "oh, it's just a year/short time"... PLEASE.

Finding Friends

It has been 4.5 days since Caleb left... I honestly have been doing pretty well... give or take several "break down" moments... I have kept myself busy by hanging out with the other wives in the same situation... which has been such a blessing. I am so grateful for all of the amazing wives that I have met down here and the friendships that I have made...it's such a strong relationship that we all have. I remember having people pray for us to find friends when we moved here as Caleb and I both had such close, wonderful, lifelong friends back home... but the funny thing about the military is you don't FIND FRIENDS. You GAIN a family member. In the Army you don't necessarily have friends... you have an immediate family. I can't believe HOW CLOSE you get in such a short amount of time... I truly feel like I have known our friends here our entire lives. We're always calling/emailing/texting each other to check in on one another... the first few months we were here our door was literally "open" for any/all to come by and hang out... and not many days went by withOUT people coming in... not only are these people my closest friends, but they are some of the strongest people I have EVER met in my ENTIRE LIFE. Over the past year quite a few of my closest friends in the military have moved away, but unlike a lot of my friendships throughout my life, I have kept in touch with them- not a week goes by where I don't talk to them... sometimes I ask myself "gosh, is this really what a friendship is supposed to look like?" It's a two-way street- we're ALWAYS checking in on each other- it's not necessarily just one person always calling or texting... I have never opened up to people more in my life than now... maybe that's why we're all so close- we just have too much knowledge about the other person to "back out" of the friendship. Ever since Caleb left, I have gotten even closer to the other military wives that I barely knew... we stick together... I have already received countless phone calls/texts/emails either calling because they need company, or calling to say "I'm thinking of you and praying for you"... I can't really even describe the friendship that we have with one another... it's just a "different" way of living. There are so many differences between the "Army people" and the "civilian people"- by no means am I saying one is better than the other, but I am saying that I'm so blessed by the people I have met down here... especially when my "civilian" friends call to talk and mention how lonely they are... I can't even remember how many times someone outside of the Army has called me to say that they're lonely, or are "home alone, so call anytime because I have no one to talk to and miss my other half"... and I can't even begin to tell you just how many times I have put the phone away from my ear and taken a huge breath in and a huge breath out... "they don't understand" I say... "they're trying to understand, but they can't"... or "they're trying to make a connection with you having a similar thing in common- loneliness"... but in all reality, it's not the same. My military wives are breaking down every time they hear these words from someone close to them. We're all hurting and missing our other half... but somehow, we're dealing with it... possibly by putting the phone down with these people and instantly calling our military wives and saying "oh man, you HAVE to hear what my civilian friend just said- I can't believe it..." it's just one of those things... or possibly by just being there for each other and listening to them cry, talk, or yell about things... either way, I'm so abundantly blessed by ALL of my friends-whether in the "civilian world" or the "Army world"... I can't even remember just how many phone calls I have received over the past few days where people have said "I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you... and if you ever need anything let me know... praying for you." I'm so thankful for all of my friends... I'm even thankful for the friends that complain to ME about how lonely THEY are... because in some way, I know all too well what they're going through.

Breaking Down...

Words can't describe how I'm feeling right now... nor can they describe the feelings of any of the wives of the 6-4 CAV husbands/soldiers... the closest words I can find are "numb" and "heartbroken"... I said "cya later" to my husband and best friend this morning. The next time I will be in his arms is in about 8 months... which will be for a brief 2 weeks, then he'll head back for a few months. We hugged and kissed goodbye early this morning, and it broke my heart crying in front of him... it took everything I had to get back into the car, start it, calm down a bit, and drive back home. I can't even number the times that I have broken down already today... of course I was a wreck for awhile after he left... as soon as I about composed myself, my mom called, and I lost it all over again... then, just when I thought I was good again, my dad called... I kept composing myself for a bit, and would get another phone call from a friend or family member, and the water works would start all over again. It's the little things that are the hardest it seems... the times when you feel the strongest, are the easiest times to break down... after dragging myself out of bed, and NOT looking in the mirror to confirm my swollen/black eyes from crying, I finally stepped out of the house to run errands. Getting in OUR car was tough... going to the post office and talking to the guy at the desk made me tear up... "I don't even know what I'm doing or how to send this"... "my husband left today"..." yes, it's our first deployment"... I got choked up when I went to the vet... again at the commissary when I saw anything chocolate (Caleb LOVES chocolate)... again when I saw couples/families together- whether they were holding hands or bickering... I lost it. Coming into our neighborhood... walking up to the door... going inside to see all of our things... and Daisy still waiting at the window for "daddy to come home"... aghhhh.

I know that this is one of the hardest days... but I also know that I will have plenty more of "these days"... some days will go by faster than others, but the days will never go fast enough. Every minute that passes is another minute closer to my husband... yes, I've started counting in minutes, because quite frankly, hours seem too long at times. I know many people outside of the military will say "oh, this year will go by fast" and towards the end they will say, "oh see, that went fast!" but in all actuality, it didn't, and it won't. I will never say "well that seemed to go by quickly/quicker than I thought" because I wasn't in their shoes... I wasn't that person... I know for me, people have already said it, and I try not to get upset, and don't feel bad if you already have said it to me, as you won't be the last... but honestly, if you're not the one who goes to bed each night alone in bed, have to "go through the motions", trying to keep occupied/busy just so you don't have it constantly in the forefront of your mind, or are just plain overwhelmed or tired from every emotion that gets thrown your way at any point of the day, the year hasn't/won't go by quick. Please pray for all of the soldiers and their families as we're all struggling these days, next few weeks...months, and year to come. Please also pray for peace for all of the soldiers who have had to leave us behind- a peace that they will have knowing that we will be ok.